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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

pilot


mood :: bored
sounds :: john mayer - no such thing
random thought :: why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

"howdy stranger.. my door is open, come in!
be free to walk around and survey the rooms of my house.
you may stay as long as you like.
i hope to get to know you and be able to call each other by name after this..."
- adapted from Barbie Almalbis' frontdoor message

well, well.. looks like i created another blog for myself. apart from all the other blogs i've made in the past, i commit myself to this one (take note, i didn't make a promise.. i made a commitment). hopefully this one doesn't end up in the dumps like all the rest of my expired blogs. anyway, no point in getting melodramatic over wasted online accounts.

you probably know me, or you don't. either way you're here so you might as well read. since this thing should be about the pandora's box known as my life. i don't mean for it to sound conceited, after all, blogs are intended for this purpose.. if i write anything here that offends you, i apologize in advance. i certainly didn't mean to. i'm just writing what comes to mind. a free flow of thoughts. if you want to go on ranting about the same stuff, go make your own blog so i can hook you up. *sorry, that was the people-pleaser in me talking*. i'd better start off with a recap of my 17-year existence.

.the facts.

i was named christopher, but i go by with many names. it's simple actually. i'm called chris at home and at dlsu and i'm called topher by my hs batch and by manresans, end of story. all the other aliases are just online nicks and pseudonyms. i was born and raised in manila, but my awesome folks are Bicolanos (represent! homemade laing!). i have a great family and a great set of friends. i'm actually one of those people who's happy with the life they're living, but of course there are some gray areas here and there.

.the profile.

i'd like to think i have two personalities (everyone has at least two... and i don't mean that in a 'mental disorder' kinda way). sometimes i'm more reserved and introverted, other times i'm very outgoing and friendly. it all depends. i toyed with the idea of attributing those personalities with my two common names, chris and topher.

anyway, people often say that i'm hard to read, but really, what you see is what you get. i'd like to believe i'm a considerate, driven and creative (parallelism check, anyone?) person. some people tell me that i'm well-rounded, but of course i wouldn't feed off my ego with that statement. there's always room for improvement. i'm a thrillseeker. i'd want to go skydiving someday and maybe get a scuba diver's license. i'm also an art virtuoso. music, film, photography, you name it. that's a given when your older brother's a photojournalist and a prog rock bassist (does the band 'Eternal Now', reminiscent of 'Dream Theater', ring a bell?) who's also into indie, classic and 'Faces of Death' films. i'd also like to believe that i'm academically proficient, but that's just one big cliche. anyone with the right (sane) mind and the proper motivation can do well. and of course, God above all.

.the life-changing decision.

*you could skip this whole part if you want. it's just me pondering over the year that was. for some reason, i just wanted to write about it.

one of those life-changing decisions i made in the past (which is kind of bittersweet for me... but i'm also somehow proud of myself for making that decision) was when i gave up one of those things i've wanted so bad ever since i was a kid. ever since 5th grade, i've been so sure that i wanted to take up lia-com (CAM-BMG comm arts and business management) at dlsu-manila (it might seem shallow, i know, but it's a big deal to me). so i made it happen. i passed and i soon found myself listed under block LC18 of CLA (remember drew?). imagine how psyched i was then. dream course, dream school. i remember not being affected when i found out i also passed, ust, ateneo and up (not really in a 'passive' kind of way, more like 'i got in my dream school. i couldn't ask for anything more'). i was just so focused on what i really wanted. and after all the hard work, i finally got it.

then my grandma fell ill. we had to confine her to the nearest ICU. days passed. weeks. it was a slow recovery. the medical bills being charged were absurd. i mean, we're not that well off, we just get by, and the bills really hurt our pockets. i remember one of the low points. 50/50 chance. the waiver form. *i'm sorry, i really don't want to talk about this anymore.

during that time (it was about this time last year), the result of a scholarship i applied for was released (if you're familiar with the BPI awards they hand out during college graduations, that's the one). i passed (i considered putting the word 'fortunately', but thought it didn't matter). don't get me wrong, i was happy. being one of 10 BPI full-scholarship grantees of the entire country was a great honor. but then again, at that time, it really didn't matter. i wanted to be a lia-com student so bad. i was on the list already and i thought there was no turning back.

if you haven't figured it out by now, i decided to give up my life-long dream. believe me, i thought about it a lot. i talked to God. i talked to my family and friends about it. i talked to myself. in the end, i thought taking up the scholarship would be a great financial help to my family (and it would be a greater help to my grandma). the full-scholarship only covered science courses, so i had to choose something that i thought i'd be comfortable with. eventually i ended up taking comsci. cam-bmg to comsci. light years apart. and the rest is history.

down the road, i realized this wasn't the path i was meant to take. sometimes you do things for others, but at some point you have to do something for yourself. 1st term at comsci was rough, and i knew then that i was clearly taking the wrong route. i wasn't happy, period. so i did what any man who was seeking his true purpose would do: i dropped the scholarship. happiness over personal gain. i'm currently shifting back to lia-com (i was deferred until next term... imagine my dismay).

looking back, i really don't regret anything i did. after all, my decision really helped with my family's financial situation. i'd also like to think i played a part in the 9 healthy months my grandma lived after she was confined (she passed away last January. we still miss you and we still pray for you, lola).

i just felt like sharing this because, even though it caused a lot of complications in my life, i'm mighty proud of the decision i made, primarily because i did it for my family. this also goes out to all the people who say that whatever i'm doing right now (the whole shifting thing) is a sign of weakness. try being in my situation for two whole years and tell me how it feels.

*all of a sudden i don't feel like writing this first entry. i just found out that former congressman Lanot, who was killed by a gunshot through the head yesterday (it was all over the news), is the uncle of my blockmate. condolences to Kristine and her entire family. our prayers are with you.

i'll get back to this a little later when i'm in the mood. *cut to a scene when i'll be erasing the 'commitment' part above* unfinished work rocks.

ct scan :: 10:07 PM

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