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Thursday, July 07, 2005

frustration


mood :: infuriated
sounds :: rage against the machine - guerilla radio
random thought :: why?

i'm so angry. this entry is something i regard with utmost importance: my career path. i've never questioned why God gave me all these trials to deal with and i think I never will. He has reasons and i know that. But a part of me is tired. So tired of waiting and waiting. So tired of dealing with the same thing every single day.

have you ever wanted something so bad that you tried everything just to get it? and when you do, something unexpected happens that forces you to give that up? finally, when you're ready to go for that thing again, some undeniable force tries to stop you or gives you a really REALLY hard time from achieving it?

which brings us to the story of my frustrated career options. i will apologize before you read any of my rants below. my ego will definitely be the one talking. i'm sorry.

i was trying to follow up my shifting application the other day and the secretary from the college i was shifting to said that my form wasn't there (i was trying to schedule an interview with that department kasi). it turned out na hindi pa pala finoforward yung form ko from my current college. so i checked with my own college's secretary. nandun nga. hindi pa nila finorward, kahit all the other applications were sent na. pending pa daw yung akin. pending NA NAMAN?! goodness. i've been deferred for one freakin term (dahil daw hindi nag-aaccept sa course na lilipatan ko until 2nd term.. pffft.. ano kaya difference kung this term ako lilipat?!). i've been hauling my *ss just to get decent grades for my shifting application (i've met the grade requirement a term ago) pero pending pa rin?!

i swear my eyes hurt dahil sa sobrang galit. gusto ko talaga manapak ng pader (i've done that in public twice.. dahil sa sobrang galit din). not because of the secretaries (in fact, they're both nice). not because of the slow shifting system (sige na nga, naiinis ako ng konti dahil dun). but because i feel like something doesn't want me to go into my choice of career. and if people tell me "baka nga hindi talaga para sa'yo yun" i immediately shrug it off because i know that IT IS for me. i wouldn't be so determined in chasing after it after 2 whole years of waiting if i wasn't sure that it's what i'm meant to take. i've been sure since i was a kid. i'm still sure now. it is for me and i know it. pero bakit nangyayari 'to?! di naman ako nagkulang (wow i sound like a parent throwing a fit). i'm at their offices naman every single day just to follow up my application. bat ganun?! the frustration is driving me [insert an appropriate word.. wala akong maisip.. nakakainis talaga]. God, I love you and I hope you have something in store for me after all this.

two things: 1) i make simple things [overly] complicated and 2) i'm not necessarily a big fan of life-changing decisions

tama na. ang babaw ko. really, i'm not like this. ngayon lang (yeah right).
* trying to revert to "happy" self again *

ct scan :: 12:07 AM

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